The Unorthadox Methods of the Imploding Drunks
by Snoogy
Summary: A World of Warcraft story. Thing.


"Go! Run!" a Troll mother screamed, cradling her baby tightly. A group of gnomes, out for a good time, were being fended off by an aging warrior, protecting his family.

"But, ma..." The child cried. His mother gave him a deep, pleading, loving look, telling him to run.

"Go." She told him. It was all he needed. He blew her a kiss, and ran off, tears running off his face. The gnomes laughed and chatted in Common, as they tormented the boy's father. The Troll jabbed his axe in one of them, but was taken down. They child heard the screams of his mother's anguish, and the groans of agony of his father. He heard his baby sister squeal in fear. The child cried, and covered his ears. He couldn't stand the sound of his family being slaughtered for a midgets amusement. He ran, and he ran, from his small home in the Barrens. He ran into Mulgore, blindly, and into Bloodhoof Village. He collapsed, and vomited all over the earth, tears mixing with his former lunch. He sniffled, the child who could barely walk, let alone run. Several Tauren rushed to the tiny child's aid.

He blacked out.

-10 years pass-

The child sat down to eat his lunch, plainstrider cooked specially by his adoptive mother. He opened his linen bag, and reached inside to pull out the meat, which was wrapped in a large leaf. He didn't care for herbalism, so he assumed it was from a random tree. He began to unwrap it, when a Tauren slammed his hand. He sighed.

"What do you want, Dlunetotem?" The Troll said. Marx Dlunetotem, and several of his subordinates laughed.

"What do I want? What I want to know, is how something so small, and so blue, speaks like a strong, noble, brave Tauren?" He mocked.

"Look, my parents were slaughtered. I think that's explanation enough. Now piss off so I can eat my roasted bird." He replied.

"Awww, he's so cute, I just wanna snuggle him like a gopher!" A girl jested, causing the others to laugh.

"Be my guest." The Troll mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Aw, the little snoogle-woog here doesn't like to be snuggled by girls, he's queer." Dlunetotem answered. "Isn't that right snoogle?"

"Sure thing. Do I get to eat now?"

"Alright Snoogle. You can fish it out from my excretions." Dlunetotem snatched up the plainstrider, and unwrapped the leaf. His friends cheered him on. "You see, real fighters get to eat. I'm being trained to be a Druid. You're busy eating plainstrider."

"Well, I'd like to..." The troll rolled his eyes.

"GRUUUUARRGGHHHH" A low, gruff voice sounded. A Tauren came from nowhere, with a large hammer, and smashed Marx Dlunetotem over the head.

"Cockblocked, bitch!" He yelled, as Dlunetotem hit the ground.

"Hey Snoogs." He grinned at the Troll.

"Hey Tama." He nodded back. He put his feat up on the table, amused at what was to come. Another tauren took a swing at Tamakai Gruntweaver. Tama blocked it with his fist, then headbutted his attacker. He kicked another who lunged at him.

"Gruuuaah!" He roared joyously, as the Troll began to eat his lunch. He smacked another in the face with his oversized wooden club.

"Sonofa..." The assailant started, as his teath were knocked out by the sheer berserker force of the Warrior-to-be.

"Ooh, get him with the fork." The Troll commented, tossing his friend a fork. Tama obliged, and jabbed a fork into the face of another walking cow.

"Whee!" He said, putting down his hammer. "I heart thumping. And stabbing."

"Me too. Great entrance." The troll commented.

"Y'think? It wasn't at all overdone? I want to go for the psychotic, whimsical badass that'll slap you around with wooden objects."

"Nah, it was perfect. Well timed, out of the blue, and square in the face. I mean, ouch, man!"

"Thanks, Snoogle." Tama said.

"Yup." Snoogle (the troll) nodded, and wiped his mouth.

"Snoogle?" A Tauren woman called from behind the duo. "I need to talk to you."

"Huh?" Snoogle said. "Oh. Sure, mom." He got up, and walked over to where his adoptive mother stood.

"We've been thinking... in Tauren tradition, when one reaches a certain age, they should follow certain trials to honor their ancestors." The woman explained. "With most Tauren, one embraces the hunt, and the shamanistic or druidic ways."

"Huh?" Snoogle said, after examining a passing moth. "Oh."

"Well, you see, you're not a Tauren." She told him.

"Yep." He answered.

"Trolls, they tend to go the arcane path. Many Trolls become priests, or mages, or hunters. We know you're not too into the hunt... so we thought it would be wise to send you to Sen'Jin village, to learn your true path." She told him, with a sigh.

"Sure." Snoogle said, picking his teeth.

"Alright, I'll see you in a few months, I'm teleporting you to Sen'Jin." She said. "Goodbye..." She told him, preparing a spell.

"Sorry, what was that thing after the part where you started talking?" He asked. "Was it more talking? I wasn't paying attention." 

There was thunder all around, and the world turned black. Streaks of blue shot by Snoogle's head, and his mind spun. Then it stopped. He stood in a puddle in a strange, orangy wasteland.

"Oh fuck..."


End file.
